Sex Diaries: An Exclusive Excerpt by Alyssa Shelasky

For decades, New York magazine's Sex Diaries have offered an intimate look into the private lives of strangers, revealing the many ways people navigate relationships, desire, and connection. Now, those stories have been collected in Sex Diaries by Alyssa Shelasky, with an introduction by Esther Perel. ENTER THE GIVEAWAY HERE.

Below, we're sharing an exclusive excerpt from the collection: "The Project Manager Who Moos Like a Cow." Over the course of a week, the diary follows a 37-year-old nonprofit program manager in New York as she navigates grief, long-term partnership, ethical non-monogamy, BDSM, and the rituals that shape intimacy.

The Project Manager Who Moos Like a Cow

37, in a relationship, NYC

DAY ONE

6 A.M. I wake up and read today’s news on my phone, in the dark. I browse winter boots and get clickbaited into a timeline of Cameron Diaz’s relationship history. I toss and turn a little bit before forcing myself up.

7 A.M. Today I have my final physical therapy session for a foot injury that happened over the summer. I kiss my sleeping boyfriend Z’s head several times before I tiptoe out of our bedroom. His nose is poking out above the blanket and he’s so goddamn cute my heart bursts a little. Some background on our relationship: Z is thirty-three, and I am thirty-seven. We have been together for six years. We met as friends eight years ago. We started dating while I was already casually dating one of his friends (whom I am no longer dating). We also met when we were both fiercely independent, super into our careers, and traveling a lot for our jobs. We respected each other and came to really admire each other, which all turned into really loving each other. We have done a significant amount of growing up together. Our relationship has had periods of intentional monogamy and periods of intentional ethical non-monogamy. In general, we don’t maintain strict rules about what form our relationship should take; instead, we try to communicate and recognize whatever flow state we are in and respect what is needed for both of us.

8:57 A.M. I got lucky with a seat on the bumpy bus to physical therapy. Gonna try to doze.

10 A.M. I love physical contact with the PT doctor. It feels good to be touched by someone who’s feeling for your muscles, ligaments, all the way down to the bone. It’s not sexual, but the sheer intimacy of someone deeply feeling for even one of my isolated body parts has been welcome, especially in the periods where I am feeling affection starved from my boyfriend (not that I am feeling that way right now).

12 P.M. No one notices I’m late to work; I’m a program manager at a nonprofit, and we’re sort of in the offseason.

4:40 P.M. I’m anxious to get out of work today to go home and make dinner. It’s Taco Tuesday, which has become a sacred night for me. I make something totally different each week. It’s the small creative act of finding variation within a specific parameter that I quite enjoy. I usually make something vegan, but tonight Z has requested ground beef.

5:22 P.M. Sitting on the subway headed home with my eyes closed listening to an album called Music for Psychedelic Therapy on the highest volume. I’m realizing I’m feeling the weight of the upcoming third anniversary of my mom’s death. Closing my eyes for the rest of the way home.

9:58 P.M. Done eating dinner with Z. He works full time while in grad school, so part of his survival strategy, and my support strategy, is that I am responsible for preparing all of our meals. He typically spends thirty minutes at dinner, where we do all of our evening conversation, then he immediately goes back to reading, sometimes late into the night when I’ve already gone to bed. Other than a nightly shower, he’s pretty glued to his desk. I’m super happy to fly solo, but he’s my favorite person so I always want him around. Right now we are only with each other. However, if we meet someone . . . get close to someone . . . get sparkly, crushy feelings about someone— aka when one of us wants to pursue connections outside of the partnership— these are all things we’ve agreed to communicate about whenever it makes sense. We trust each other’s judgment to make the call on what, and when, things start to affect the other or our time together or attention to each other and thus should be communicated. This agreement for fluidity and openness has worked well for us.

11:05 P.M. After a shower, I sashay from the bathroom through the once toward the bedroom. Z looks up from his paper and slaps my ass as I walk past. “Come here,” he says, while patting his knee for me to sit. I sit. “Good girl,” he says, stroking my thigh. “Do you want to kiss me?” he asks. I nod yes. “What do you say?” he asks. “Master, may I kiss you?” I lean in. He raises an eyebrow and pulls away slightly. “Please?” I say. “Yes,” he says, and I kiss his lips. He pulls away. “Good girl. Now go lotion yourself up where I can see you.” I sit on the bed and rub my body with almond oil while listening to an audiobook with headphones on. The reason for the headphones is because he can’t tolerate distractions while he’s working/ studying, so listening on headphones is part of my compliance to his needs within our D/s dynamic. He’s gone back to reading, but I make sure to stay in view in case he glances up.

12 A.M. We have sex. Clearly, we are into kink. Over the past few years, our main mode of exploration has been around his kink for a D/s dynamic. While this began in the bedroom with casual light whipping and one crazy night involving a roll of duct tape, it evolved to fantasy kidnapping scenarios. Engaging in these scenarios hasn’t been part of my organic inclination, but during our early years, I always felt a mis alignment in our sexual attunement. I could feel Z holding back, or really going somewhere in his brain during sex before he orgasmed. I asked him to share his fantasies. And here we are.

ENTER THE GIVEAWAY HERE.

To celebrate the release of Sex Diaries, we're giving one reader the chance to win a copy of the book alongside a few of our favorite travel companions from maude: