Copy room coitus explained.
When it comes to porn-adjacent SEO, it’s no secret that “office sex” is a high-ranking query. For as long as we’ve had cubicles, we’ve also had corporate crushes. “Sexy secretary” has been a notably popular Halloween costume for decades. The inter-office affair operates as a B plot in a staggering number of serial dramas.
Au contraire, despite all the fanfare around office lust, our soul-less conference rooms are hardly intrinsically sexy. There’s nothing fundamentally arousing about completing an Excel spreadsheet or “circling back” on a “new thread.” So why is it that we’ve spent so much time fantasizing about copy machine coitus?
Well, as it turns out, it has nothing to do with the copy machine. Or Microsoft Excel. Instead, it’s embedded in the ways we approach workplace culture on the whole. And, after months spent working remotely in our respective quarantine chambers (with nary an office crush to occupy us), it’s not exactly out of the question to assume our prodigal return to the office will come with its fair share of steamy subplots as well. So, as we re-familiarize ourselves with our morning commutes, here’s an important look at why, exactly, your colleague crushes are that much more alluring.
You spend an outsized quantity of time with your colleague
They say it takes around 200 hours to make a certified “best friend.” And in an era when most of us are spending some 1,620 hours in the workplace per year, it follows that a number of the bonds we build with coworkers are fairly substantial. I mean, we’re spending more time with these people than our spouses, our roommates, our friends. Which is to say, there’s a fundamental intimacy intrinsic to your deskside cohort. There’s a substantial portion of your world that these people understand better than just about anyone else. And sometimes, that version of intimacy can translate to romantic feelings.
Secrecy is sexy
Whether or not you’re breaching an HR policy by way of your professional rendezvous, likely, you’re not upfront about it with your colleagues. The truth of the matter is, office romance is stigmatized. Naturally, it has its drawbacks: It can hinder your capacity to work effectively alongside a team member, or, if things go south, well, you’re forced to face the consequences every time you arrive at your desk. That said, secrecy also has its enticements. Keeping things under wraps –– sneaking around, speaking covertly, finding illicit places to meet –– is something of a staple turn-on.
Delayed gratification
Be it a serious crush, or an actualized romance, any workplace affair is all about delayed gratification. No matter the nature of your relationship, professionalism is still key to business culture. So every time you see the object of your affection, it’s more likely that you’ll have to smile furtively and look away than that you’ll, well, interact. The allure of being unable to display any of this gurgling sentiment is central to the appeal. The longer you’re required to *behave,* the more time you spend looking forward to a potential rendezvous.
Reclamation
However enticing your crush-worthy colleague may be, this is still your place of business. Naturally, you’re going to spend countless hours Slacking away furiously at your desk. Now and then, your boss will yell at you for online shopping. You’ll have to use the phrase “align” 17 times. So in part, engaging in any version of office affairs is a welcome excuse to reclaim your office space. Instead of resigning yourself to associating the copy room with misery, you can renew some sparkle to these environs by way of romance –– even if it’s all just a fantasy. And on that note, in part, this explains the allure of thematic office porn. It’s a way of finding the appeal in a generally lackluster space you have no choice but to enter daily.
Hierarchy
Power. Is. Sexy. This is simply a rule of thumb. And no matter the nature of your workplace, there is some form of the power structure in place. So whether you’re boning your boss, or merely fantasizing about it, the nature of your office hierarchy can certainly help infuse the front desk with a little, umm, spice.
….Uniforms
We know you’re not wearing your pleated Catholic school skirt to work. Nonetheless, business casual is a uniform. And even if your workplace entirely lacks a dress code, there’s some veil of professionalism in place when it comes to attire, so whether you’re all sporting suits or merely some good slacks, the “uniform” ethos persists. It gives you space to ponder what your colleagues might wear on the weekends, how they dress at home, and most obviously, what’s underneath...
