Will masturbating make you better at your job?
The 3 pm slump is a familiar conundrum: After however-many-hours spent clacking away at a computer, once your lunch is all good and digested, there’s an inevitable down-trend in your productivity. Your eyes glaze over; a nap sounds good. Maybe you should have a snack? Is it too late for another coffee? Is it too early for a drink? You know the drill.
As it turns out, though, there is indeed a better solution when it comes to kickstarting your brain just as it’s beginning to rebel—and it doesn’t involve gin or caffeine. Might we suggest: The midday masturbation break. It’s free (unlike a snack), it won’t keep you up at night (like a coffee), and it’s a hell of a lot healthier than starting happy hour a few hours ahead of schedule. Plus, for folks sticking to a remote work regimen, it’s never been easier.
Feeling skeptical? Allow us to explain.
Masturbation helps relieve stress & tension
Orgasm has long been touted as a stress reliever—and if you’re powering your way through back-to-back meetings and unread emails in the triple digits, to maintain your momentum, you may need a way of relieving some of that anxiety. Sure, you could take a walk to self-soothe, but you could also orgasm—which is objectively more fun.
It releases endorphins (which will energize you and make you happier)
Plenty of studies have proven that folks are both more productive and all-around better at their jobs when they’re happier at work. And orgasm—which releases immediate endorphins, eliciting a sense of euphoria or joy—is likely your quickest and most un-complex way to introduce a bit more positivity into your workday.
Short breaks are always good for improving focus
When you hit that 3 pm slump, it’s likely that you’ll need a break of some kind, no matter what that looks like. Human brains require some breathing room here and there to keep operating at maximum capacity—which is all to say, you should be taking a quick break anyway. And what better way to spend your 15 minutes off than a quick wank-sesh so to speak?
Masturbation can act as a self-motivated reward
Unlike, say, doing jumping jacks, afternoon delight is something to look forward to. So if you find yourself losing steam at work, it can help to promise yourself a reward at the end of a daunting task or a series of meetings. And orgasm makes for a pretty excellent reward (certainly superior to cardio).
It’s a convenient stand-in for other vices
For most of us, hitting a wall at work means turning to something else for stimulation—whether that’s a coffee, a drink, a bag of chips, or a cigarette. Think about it—these are fairly common afternoon break accouterments. So, if you fill that void, instead, with a little solo play sesh, you’ll rule out nicotine—but you’ll still feel gratified.