Your Guide to Great Kitchen Sex – maude Skip to content

How to (safely) have sex in the kitchen.

How to (safely) have sex in the kitchen.

Our recipe for spicing things up. 

If the kitchen is the heart of the home—or so the old idiom suggests—it’s only logical that you and your partner might find yourselves therein (not a cooking pun, we swear). In fact, a recent British survey found that the kitchen was actually the second most popular locale for household humping—after the bedroom, of course. 

It checks out. The kitchen maintains a unique appeal: For starters, there’s an inherent element of danger. You’re surrounded by sharp objects, heavy pans, rough edges, and, for better or for worse, fire. It’s a high risk, high reward-type scenario. Secondly, it’s a docile, thoroughly domestic space—and banging on the floor can subvert that ethos in a plenty alluring way. Third up, you’re in there a lot. Like a lot. So it’s convenient. And last but far from least, counters are extremely sexy (formica fornication makes for good word play). 

That said, keeping things both safe and decidedly pleasurable can be tough when you’re up against a fridge and a hard place. So, for your sake, we’ve put together a collection of handy tips to help ensure that your next bout of kitchen tile boning is your best yet. 

Use your tools
You are quite literally surrounded by a wealth of tools. Sure, you might not want to employ your can opener (though, if that’s the case, we’re certainly not here to judge). But nonetheless, there are a few easier-to-employ goods around. For impact play, consider something on the softer side like a rubber spatula. Maybe slide pot holders or kitchen towels under your knees to make contact with those icy cold floor tiles a bit more comfortable. Use the blunter end of a vibrating milk frother to help stimulate your partner. Wear an apron with nothing underneath. Get a little creative.  

Set a timer
Sex within a time frame will always have a particular excitement about it. So, if you and your partner are in the midst of food prep, choose to squeeze in your boning session while something’s in the oven. Set your timer, and see if you can get off before the roast is done. (Added bonus: your kitchen will smell fantastic). 

Don’t be afraid of the fridge
Whether you go the rom-com route and dress your partner in fluffy swirls of whipped cream, or you lean more roughage-heavy and employ a cucumber as a dildo, your fridge likely contains plenty of ways to spice up your intercourse. Grab some ice cubes from the freezer and experiment with a bit of temperature play (or vice versa with just about anything warm you’ve got on hand—though, please avoid boiling water). Even consider rubbing up with some coconut oil.

Leverage the counter top
When it comes to mixing up your standardized sex positions, few things can be so handy as a good countertop. It provides new angles for oral, new surfaces to lean or bolster yourselves against, and new levels of approach. Taking turns going down on one another while one of you sits on the counter, then play around position-wise. See where you land. Try not to break any glassware. 

Be spontaneous
Odds are, you’re spending a decent amount of time in the kitchen. Whether you’re cooking, pouring drinks, taking calls, or scrounging up the occasional treat, it’s a near impossible space to avoid in your day to day. So, whenever possible, allow your kitchen sex to feel of the moment. If you and your partner happen to be cooking, and you’re feeling particularly smitten, act on it. No need to retire to the bedroom when you’ve got the whole kitchen at your disposal. Just make sure no one else is planning on popping in for a snack. 

Take (some) precautionary measures
Sure, the kitchen’s small selection of dangers can be enticing. But, however impromptu your sex may be, take care to move any brandished knives from the counter top to the sink, set aside fragile glassware, or turn off burners still flaming away. You want a spontaneous orgasm, not a spontaneous house fire. 

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