a guide to real talk.

08 20 19 — people

When it comes to communication in regards to our sex lives, leading relationship expert and psychologist Esther Perel seems to put it best: “Great lovers aren’t born—they’re made.” Making a great partner is something that takes honest, open communication. So how do we even start to tell our partner(s) what we want in bed? 

Having conversations about our own needs and desires can feel intimidating because it’s highly intimate and vulnerable. These conversations take courage, but if we can move toward having this type of intimate discourse with confidence, our sex lives have the potential to change drastically. 

We’ve put together a few ways that may help you and your partner to communicate with ease: 

  • Keep in mind that when we’re already feeling sexually frustrated, we’re more likely to be less patient, more irritable and more aggressive.
  • Start out with a positive comment instead of focusing on only the negatives. This way you’re voicing some words of encouragement, and it can feel easier to follow with requests and advice.
  • When in doubt, remember that communicating your needs—especially when referring to what we want and how we want it—can be better discussed outside of the bedroom. While you’re engaging with each other sexually, these conversations are more delicate.
  • Don’t forget about the various ways to use non-verbal communication. While discussing these topics is the superior way to communicate, it can also be helpful to express certain things non-verbally. The body knows best, and we can communicate so much just by using the language of physicality.
  • Greater understanding can come from showing your partner what you like. Gently take their hands, guide them, and move around with them so they can actually feel what you like and where you like it. Some partners respond better to this kind of instruction, as it’s hands-on and can be a lot more fun for both of you. 

Too many people are unsatisfied with the level of passion in their relationship, but often a wonderful sex life is just under the surface waiting to be released. We’re sometimes too self-conscious, too afraid of rejection, or too complacent to make changes. The best thing we can do for ourselves and our partner(s) is to find the courage to talk it out.