when your partner doesn’t want sex.

when your partner doesn’t want sex.

Oct 07, 2020
Mikki Brammer

Just as everyone is hungry at different times of the day, there's a good chance that your sex drive will rarely coincide with your partner's 100% of the time—it’s basic human biology.

That said, when your partner turns down sex, it can be easy to take it as a personal rejection, which, understandably, can cause conflict in a relationship.

So, what can you do if you feel like your significant other is never in the mood? You might have heard about the guy who kept a spreadsheet of all the times his wife turned down sex—let’s just say that’s a good lesson in how not to handle the situation. Plus, its no shock to us that quarantine is negatively impacting our libido.

Here are some more positive ways to address when things feel off.

Try to be objective.
While it’s easy to feel as though you (and your desirability) are the reason that your partner doesn’t want to have sex, that’s rarely the case. There can be many contributing factors, including the fact that some people just have higher sex drives than others. Stress can also be a big mood killer, so perhaps your partner is under a lot of pressure at work. Or they may be experiencing a physical issue, such as erectile dysfunction, that they are embarrassed to talk about. Try to keep this in mind before assuming the worst.

Talk about it.
As with many issues relating to sex—or life in general, for that matter—talking about it can help a lot. Without being accusatory or emotional (we know that spreadsheet might sound tempting), be open with your partner about the fact that they are regularly turning down sex and ask if there’s anything you can do to help change that. It could be a matter of determining the time of day that they feel most open to sex (they really could just be extra tired in the evenings). Or perhaps they need a little more romancing—like going *out* on a date—in order to get in the mood.

Try something new.
In long-term relationships, sometimes sex can become a little transactional and monotonous, which could be another reason why your partner doesn’t seem as into it. If that’s the case, our tips on maintaining desire in long-term relationships might help. Sometimes, newness comes in the form of location—whether thats a trip to the country or into a different room of the house. Believe us when we say that a little shag on the rug can spice things up. 

Love in the time of Corona.

Speaking of monotony, as our weeks continue to feel like Groundhogs Day, understand that things are not normal and that may be impacting your sex life. If you are living with a partner—things may feel akin to an office romance or like you've been snowed in for months. This may seem counter intuitive, but do everything in your power to spend time apart. Make a point of working in separate rooms. Of exercising apart from one another. Of enjoying the occasional solo meal. If possible, even consider having one partner take some time away at a local Airbnb, just to give your and your person some breathing time. Odds are, when you make your triumphant return, there will be a few more sparks between you. 

when your partner doesn’t want sex.