a case against fixing ourselves.
In the health Information Age, sex and mental wellness live on two different tabs. While there are occasional intersections, where you might see, for example, a detective-style listicle discussing how libido is impacted by diet, stress, sleep, and so on, sexual health in mainstream media is still largely determined by performance: how many erections, how many orgasms.
When we consider the scientific method, our modern positioning on libido makes sense. Researchers seek to identify symptoms and provide solutions; the point of an experiment is not necessarily to understand every potential problem, but to control as many variables as possible, in order to solve the most pressing issue. Erectile dysfunction is an obvious example of a “pressing issue.” .
Of course, there is nothing inherently wrong with treating negative symptoms related to sexual health, just as there is nothing wrong with taking medications for mental health concerns. But there may be unnecessary pressure put on an individual when, as a culture, we only recognize interconnectedness between mental and sexual health when it is attached to an issue that needs solving.
In other words, we can be quick to prescribe solutions to feelings that exist outside of what is considered “functional,” or even just expected, in any given environment. Sometimes a solution, like a medication or diagnosis, is quickly thrown at a problem at the expense of a deeper understanding or experience.
Yes, you may be sad or lacking motivation to have sex due to some sort of dysfunction or imbalance, but you’re also having a reaction to something within yourself or in your environment. That is worth giving yourself a pause from sex to observe. Therein may lie truths about relationship dissatisfaction, self esteem issues, hidden desires, and wonders more.
Because sex is so vulnerable, it often serves as an echo chamber for our most privately held beliefs. Sex becomes difficult when we apply pressure on ourselves to feel, act, or not act, in ways we believe we should. Being completely present in the act requires letting go of judgements and fears, of the self and others. If our mental health is suffering, and we are not experiencing sexual interest or pleasure as a result, it’s a good time to ask the following questions:
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What negative beliefs am I holding about myself?
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What negative beliefs do I have of my partner?
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When do I apply undo pressure to perform?
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How does a lack of sex influence my experience of connection?
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What kind of sexual or intimate exchange would I actually enjoy right now?
Each question has a similar intention: allowing the asker to accept their own mental state, explore the messages their feelings may contain, and allow their sexual or romantic partners to help them feel more connected. There is no shame in taking a pause from what we thought we wanted, to find out what we really need.
