From winter solstice to Valentine's Day.
Allow me to release you from your romantic comedy-bred disillusionment: Thanksgiving is not––and I cannot stress this enough––a sexy holiday.
In fact, if you’ve done Thanksgiving properly, you should feel as if sex, itself, is broaching dangerous territory (given the quantity of sweet potatoes mashed up inside of you). And that’s before we address the political discourse, the sub par wine selection, and the harsh assessments directed, freely, towards either your partner or your lack thereof.
On the contrary, though, there is, in fact, a lingering cultural belief, maintained by the public at large, in the inherent allure of any and all cold weather holidays. Be it the work of novels and movies, magazine features, or targeted Instagram advertisements, the winter holidays all seem to masquerade as intrinsically romantic––it’s frigid outside, but inside, things are cozy. There are fires and copious drinking! Weird covers of old school Christmas tracks performed by top 40 artists and extended time with family!
Of course, we don’t mean to argue that we’re anti holiday escapades––just that all winter holidays are not created equal in the grand realm of sex appeal. So, not that you’ve asked, but we’ve taken it upon ourselves to rank winter’s primary holidays in order from most-to-least likely to set the mood. If nothing else, perhaps it’ll help you to plan your holiday outfits.
We know, we know, this one’s obvious. The year’s personal goodbye party calls for Champagne, sparkly dresses, playlists, a mandatory kiss. It registers as glamour, manifest. But sexiest of all is the whole midnight charade: You’re dressed up, you’re drinking, you’re wading your way into a fresh start (complete with a requisite, forthcoming hangover) and everything directs itself towards this one, precise, sultry moment. It’s like the whole year has operated as foreplay for right now.
December 22 is the shortest day of the year. Most of it is dark, and likely, it’s freezing cold outside. And while that may not sound ultra sexy to you, keep in mind the fact that there’s truly nothing else to do. Offices are closing up shop for the holidays but it’s not actually holiday time just yet. Odds are, you’re not visiting family––and they’re not visiting you. So this particular day lends you a brief lazy window...in which you’ll need to entertain yourself.
You survived Christmas. It’s over. There are no more presents to wrap or great aunts to kiss. You’ve already done your due diligence with the model trains. You’ve probably acquired some cool new stuff. So boxing day is your premiere occasion to, well, blow off steam.
There is something profoundly naughty––and thus, inherently sexy––about banging somewhere near baby-in-a-manger figurines. But if that doesn’t do it for you, you can relish the fact that twinkling string lights do great things for everyone’s skin, most Christmas carols are rife with sexual innuendo, and the color red, which will likely be donned en masse circa the 25th, is sultry as hell.
You may wonder why Valentine’s Day doesn’t rank higher, being that it is, so they say, the most amorous of all holidays. Of course, V-day comes with ample opportunity to get it on with your partner (cue the romantic gestures), but for folks not in relationships––or engaged in early stages “situationships”––the holiday can feel taboo, almost as if its occurrence is a reason not to have sex. Moreover, February is the bleakest month of the winter, and candy is available in plentiful quantities...everywhere. And perhaps, however briefly, a mountain of holiday Reese’s can quell your, umm, “appetite.”
If we weren’t clear at the outset, we’ll reiterate: Thanksgiving is for sweet potatoes, excessive drinking, and allowing your distant relatives to berate your life choices. If that gets you in the mood, more power to you. But if not, know that it’s ok to opt for a nap, instead.
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