Synonyms for masturbation.

From “five-finger shuffle” to “finding nemo.”

Masturbating is an egalitarian exercise; there’s no one-size-fits-all approach. Anything is fair game, so long as personal pleasure is the intention. Your premiere masturbatory experience might require tools: A showerhead, a vibrator, perhaps a bidet (if you’re thinking outside the box). Maybe you prefer to free-hand it. Perhaps you watch porn—or you opt for analog with some literotica, instead. Maybe you maintain a more specified approach. 

All the same, solo play is a tale as old as time—and one that’s just as nuanced. So, given that variety is the spice of life, we’re honoring the grand tradition of masturbation with a list of our 50 favorite euphemisms for beating off.  Categorized by everything from classic colloquialisms (think: jerk off; wank) to thematically culinary terms (“shaking hands with the milkman”), here are our favorite ways to diversify your masturbatory vocabulary. 

Classics

1. Jerk off
2. Wank
3. Jack off
4. Rub one out
5. Onamation
6. Beat off

Culinary Terms

1. Beating the meat
2. Shaking hands with the milkman
3. Poaching the egg
4. Cutting the carrot
5. Making waffles
6. Shucking the corn
7. Making soup
8. Oozing your noodle
9. Beef stroken-off
10. Cooking cucumbers
11. Seasoning the meatloaf
12. Fishing with dynamite

Animal-Forward Isms

1. Finding Nemo
2. Marching the penguin
3. Petting the cat
4. Spearing the bearded clam
5. Burping the worm
6. Tugging your own slug
7. Spanking the monkey

Technical Terms

1. Manual Override
2. Onamation
3. Double Clicking 
4. (Digit)al research
5. Dotting the i
6. Debugging the harddrive
7. Clicking the homepage
8. Liquidating the inventory
9. Shuffling your ipod

Terms That Defy Categorization

1. Lone rangering
2. Downstairs DJing
3. Badgering the witness
4. Preparing a monologue
5. Minding the gap
6. Auditioning the finger puppets
7. Shaking hands with the devil
8. Five-finger shuffle
9. Keynoting in Cupertino
10. Taking your talents to South Beach
11. Pocket pinball
12. Celebrating palm sunday
13. Drilling for oil
14. Buffing the vampire slayer
15. Practicing politics
16. Making the bald man cry