on being demisexual. | maude - sex made simple.

on being demisexual.

credit: Photo by Robert Doisneau

There’s a great thrill in locking eyes with a stranger and feeling an instant attraction. 

But for many people, this doesn’t happen—not because they aren’t meeting strangers, but because that’s not how their sexual chemistry works.

For demisexuals, friendship, love, and romance are what ignite their sexual desire. And until those things are engaged, they find it difficult to feel any form of attraction to someone as a potential partner.

Signs that you might be demisexual include:

  1. You rarely get crushes on people you don’t know.
  2. You’re not really into flirting.
  3. Your romantic relationships usually start off as friendships.
  4. You rarely feel attraction through eye contact and smoldering glances from strangers.
  5. When you go on first dates, you put a lot of pressure on yourself to decide if the person is a potential partner.
  6. Even though you enjoy sex, it’s not your priority in a relationship.

Interestingly, more people these days are actually identifying as demisexual because our culture has evolved to champion instant attraction and hook-ups. In a world where dating is largely app-based and decisions of compatibility are often made in a second, it can feel isolating if you don’t feel a connection with someone straight away.

The thing is, a slow burn of attraction actually used to be the norm. Back in the 1940s and 50s, for instance, society dictated that people needed to date for a certain period of time before making the decision to “go steady.”  Not to mention the fact that extended courtships have been the fodder for some of literature’s greatest romances (remember how Elizabeth Bennet and Mr. Darcy loathed each other at first?).

So while we’re all for sexual freedom and embracing our desires, we’re also romantics at heart—and we wholeheartedly support love in all its forms.

Read more about demisexuality here.

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