Friendship, love, and romance are far more important than sexual attraction.
There’s a great thrill in locking eyes with a stranger and feeling an instant attraction. But for many people, this doesn’t happen—not because they aren’t meeting strangers, but because that’s not how their sexual chemistry works.
For people known as demisexuals, friendship, love, and romance are what ignite their sexual desire. And until those things are engaged, they find it difficult to feel any form of attraction to someone as a potential partner.
Sound familiar? Here, the demisexual definition — plus some of the other signs that you might be demisexual.
1. You rarely get crushes on people you don’t know.
For many people, crushes can happen without ever actually speaking to the object of their affection. Often it’s enough to just observe them from afar—watching them be kind to a stranger, or talk to their dog a certain way, or seeing how their eyes twinkle when they smile—for the seeds of a crush to sow. But for demisexuals, such experiences seem unfathomable—after all, they wonder, how could you develop feelings for someone without even speaking to them and getting to know them?
2. You’re not really into flirting.
Most of us have that friend who can turn even the most mundane, everyday act into an artful demonstration of flirting. In fact, for some, flirting is a fun game—a sport, even—where they revel in the thrill of the chase even when they hardly know a person. That kind of thing has no appeal for demisexuals, and flirting, in general, seems unnecessary to them. Instead, they prefer to really get to know someone through in-depth conversations and quality time spent delving into each other’s minds.
3. You don’t like physical touch.
Does the idea of someone hugging you, or even just rubbing your arm or back, make you super uncomfortable? That’s perfectly normal for demisexuals. The idea of having a physically intimate relationship with anyone can feel really awkward because they don’t base their attraction on physical attributes.
4. Your romantic relationships usually start off as friendships.
For demisexuals, it’s usually all about the slow burn—friendship forms the basis of any romantic relationship they have. And it can often take a long time (yep, even a few years) to evolve to that point. Only once they have established a strong bond with someone—through trust, communication, openness, and security—will they start to then feel a deeper attraction to them.
5. You rarely feel attraction through eye contact.
A demisexual is highly unlikely to see someone they don’t know and think “they’re so hot.” If anything, they’re more likely to think “they seem interesting, I wonder what their personality is like.” In other words, exchanging a steamy glance with a stranger in a bar isn’t something that really happens to demisexuals.
6. Even though you might enjoy sex, it’s not your priority in a relationship.
Being demisexual isn’t the same as being asexual, which is the absence of any kind of sexual attraction towards other people. Demisexuals still experience sexual desire towards their partner, but it usually comes secondary to the romantic bond—and, even then, they might find it uncomfortable to be naked with someone. They will also often find it difficult to become aroused if they don’t feel an emotional connection with someone.
7. When you go on first dates, you put a lot of pressure on yourself to decide if the person is a potential partner.
Dating can be difficult for demisexuals because, even though they might be able to see that someone could be a good potential friend, it’s hard to know if that friendship might—at a much later date—blossom into something more. And the fact that most dating apps are very focused on judging people by their appearance (and perhaps a few vague details about their personality), makes it hard for demisexuals to meet people that way. That can put a whole lot of pressure on first dates.
Interestingly, more and more people these days are identifying as demisexual because of the fact that our culture has evolved to champion instant attraction and hook-ups. In a world where decisions of compatibility are often made in a second, it can feel isolating if you don’t feel a connection with someone straight away.
The thing is, a slow burn of attraction actually used to be the norm. Back in the 1940s and 50s, for instance, society dictated that people needed to date for a certain period of time before making the decision to “go steady.” Not to mention the fact that extended courtships have been the fodder for some of literature’s greatest romances (remember how Elizabeth Bennet and Mr. Darcy loathed each other at first?). So while we’re all for sexual freedom and embracing our desires, we’re also romantics at heart—and we wholeheartedly support love in all its forms.
So how do you meet people when you’re demisexual? OK Cupid now lets you list yourself as demisexual, which can help you connect with similar people—or at least make it clear to potential suitors that you’d prefer to start things off as friends and take things very slowly.
But as with dating in general, playing the law of averages always helps—the more people you meet, the more you’re like to find someone who you’ll end up developing more-than-platonic feelings for. What’s more, there’s a good chance that, as a demisexual, you’re pretty damn good at cultivating deep friendships. And you can never have enough of those, right?
