Start to finish.
Orgasm, like laughter, is best enjoyed when you don’t have to perform it. But, like a generous giggle, a fake orgasm has many alluring social functions; it can be gratifying to make someone feel gratified, but it can also be an easy signal that you’re ready to stop having sex (or having the focus on yourself).
It’s alright if fake orgasms are a craft you’d like to continue honing. But, if you find that the performance brings on feelings of shame, guilt, and sexual dissatisfaction--especially if the act has become a regular part of your sex life--it’s worth looking at why you feel compelled to do it, and how to move away from this habit in the future.
Where to begin
The first step is to ask yourself what function a fake orgasm serves in your sex life.
All genders fake orgasm, but one women-focused study uses a creative framework that may be helpful for the process of reflection. In this 2021 study, published in Sexual Medicine, researchers used the terms “dispositional” and “situational” to describe reasons women might fake orgasm.
According to the researchers, “situational” faking has more to do with fatigue, boredom, drunkenness, and other external (or “temporary”) circumstances. Examples of “dispositional” reasoning, on the other hand, are internal belief systems and desires: a desire to avoid negative feelings, a belief that one cannot possibly orgasm during sex, a desire to arouse oneself or others through orgasm, and a limiting belief about gender in sex dynamics--mainly, who should give pleasure (women), and who deserves to receive pleasure (men).
Ask yourself which scenarios you relate to. Are you often having sex drunk or tired? Is the sex a bit vanilla and boring for your taste? Or is your thinking a bit more internalized? Maybe you’re afraid your partner will get bored if they don’t make you cum within minutes. Or maybe you don’t believe you are deserving of pleasure and would prefer to give it away.
By better understanding your beliefs about sex, you can more easily identify when you’re at the highest risk of faking, and then use tools to combat the habit. Here are a few suggestions.
Find new ways to affirm your partner
One motivator for faking is wanting your partner to feel affirmed, but orgasm is not the only way you can communicate your pleasure. You can make a person feel good about themselves during sex by giving compliments on their appearance and the way they touch you.
One way to compliment their skills is by asking for more when you like something. This will also create a positive feedback loop, where expressions of pleasure (and maybe orgasm!) will come easier to you.
Take a break from the toys
It might be helpful to reduce shortcuts to orgasm until you’re more comfortable with the scenic route. If you find you can only finish when you’re alone, try reducing masturbation, especially with hyper-stimulating toys. Toys can set unrealistic expectations for someone else, such as the pace at which a human being who does not vibrate at 5 different speeds can make you come.
Bring toys into the bedroom
We suggest you also try the reverse. If you have a toy that always gets you off, suggest bringing it into the bedroom. You could even try looking for a product together, so that the toy feels more like a collaboration.
Ask for more buildup
Another common reason people might fake orgasm is to keep up with their partner. If the person you’re with tends to finish before you and lose their eagerness to continue having sex, ask for more drawn-out pleasure beforehand. Or, if you don’t engage in simultaneous acts like penetration, switch the order in which you receive pleasure.
Announce that you will not be orgasming
A surefire way to avoid faking orgasm is cutting off the expectation completely. This method may work best if you know you won’t be able to orgasm during sex, especially when you’re just breaking out of the habit of faking.
Use this method when you feel an impulse to fake. That familiar urge will often come when you’ve felt it’s been “long enough” and are starting to get self conscious. At that point, let your partner know that you don’t think you’ll be able to orgasm this time, but that you’re enjoying yourself (if you are!) and would like to continue (if you would!).
Get real
Are you actually attracted to this person? Do you actually enjoy having sex with them? Good luck with that one.
