Playing the field, as partners.
Dating is complicated enough when there are only two stakeholders at play — which is to say, navigating a polyamorous dating scape can be, well, messy (think about the sheer quantity of toes waiting to be stepped on). And for couples looking to approach the dating world together — whether that means opening themselves up to a third (or fourth, or fifth) player, toying with non-monogamy, or, say, casually engaging in group sex — the nuances can be extra difficult to navigate.
Of course, ins and outs of the dating world aside, your partner’s safety, comfort, and pleasure are still top priorities. That’s quite a few balls to keep in the air (no pun intended). So how, exactly, do you and your partner go forth and play the field — without jeopardizing the state of the partnership you’ve already built?
Well, there are a few key things to keep in mind:
Communicate about what you’re actually looking for
Regardless of the approach you take, there are countless ways to put yourselves out there as a couple — so it’s crucial that you’re checking in about what, exactly, you want to achieve. Yes, there may be some experimentation, or some trial and error. But determining whether you’re interested in developing a proper throuple (wherein you and your partner both become equally committed to a third constituent); swinging (fraternizing specifically with other couples) or you’re largely in the game for some exciting sexual nuance, it’s key that you’re operating as a united front.
Keep tabs on jealousy
Even in monogamous relationships, jealousy can be a plenty insidious construct. For couples, there’s a certain comfort in existing as someone’s primary counterpart. And while, of course, there are countless ways to reimagine the notion of jealousy (read: compersion), it’s key that you and your partner make sure the both of you feel heard, prioritized, and witnessed — even when there’s another stakeholder at play. Check in as often as possible about the ways you and your partner need to prioritize one another so as to feel comfortable navigating the dating scene together.
Do your research
Whether you’re looking to use an app designed specifically for this particular venture, join Reddit forums, attend sex parties, or simply open yourselves up to new connection on, say, a local dance floor, make sure you’re choosing a route that you’re both comfortable engaging with. Do your research, talk to friends, truly catalog your options together as you determine your next steps.
Transparency is key
Not only is it critical that you and your partner are checking in with one another constantly, but it’s also essential that you’re communicating candidly with any new romantic interests in the mix. You’ll need to be up front with your prospects about your situation: The nature of your primary partnership, the terms of your openness, and the sexual or romantic implications therein. Sure, some folks may be put off by the constraints of your current set-up — but that transparency is ethically essential.
Set sexual boundaries
When it comes to dating as a couple, you’ll certainly push, test, or expand some sexual boundaries. Be sure you’re communicating as frankly as possible when it comes to adding new sexual partners into the mix. What versions of voyeurism are you open to? How much sharing feels comfortable to you? What gender identities feel safe to you? What kinds of protection are you using?
