I love having sex with my partner, but I rarely achieve an orgasm. Help me!
—Seeking Climax, West Virginia
First of all, you have cause to celebrate: you and your partner have a healthy sex life that you really enjoy. That’s no small feat.
While pop culture would have us believe that orgasms are the be-all and end-all of sex, that’s actually far from the truth. Sex can be perfectly enjoyable without ever reaching climax. And you’re not alone in finding orgasms to be somewhat elusive—on average, women usually experience them about 31–40% of the time and 22% never experience them at all.
But since we know that you’re capable of having an orgasm, there are certain things you can do to increase your chances. A good place to start is to explore your own body via masturbation so that you can really get to know what does—and doesn’t—turn you on. Experiment with touching yourself in different ways (stroking, tickling, pulling, rubbing) and with varied rhythms to find what works best for you, so that you can communicate that to your partner.
And make sure you’re not skipping the foreplay. Think of it like warming up a car on a cold winter’s day—you might need to give your body a little bit of time to get your libido going before you’re ready to jump into things. Massage, dirty talk, or even just an intense makeout session can help get that engine running, so to speak.
Another thing to consider is whether there could be outside factors—like stress—that are distracting you from the task at hand. Are you anxious about something at work? Or feeling exhausted from a long day? Both of those things can prevent you from relaxing and being in the right frame of mind to experience an orgasm. If you think that’s the case, try 10 minutes of meditation or breathing exercises before you and your partner get down to business.
But if you still have difficulty achieving orgasm, don’t lose heart. Focus on the many other things that make sex enjoyable—like the connection with your partner, the thrilling feeling of skin on skin, and the fun of a good, playful romp in the bedroom. After all, it’s all about the journey, right?
Your partner in pleasure,