ask maude: mismatched libidos

03 03 19
My partner and I are in the mood for sex at completely opposite times of day—help!
— Moody Blues, Alabama

Dear Moody,

Let’s focus on the positives here first: You’re both in the mood for sex with each other. Now let’s get down to the scheduling conflicts.

It’s actually quite common for couples to have mismatched libidos—one study found that men are usually in the mood in the morning, whereas women tend to favor moonlight trysts. That said, same-sex couples also often find it difficult to get their libidos in sync.

Not everyone is a morning person (though, personally, I do love a good romp first thing) and that needs to be respected. The obvious answer might be to partake in an afternoon delight, but if you both have full-time jobs, that might not be possible. So think about why it is that each of you isn’t in the mood at certain times of the day. Are you not sleeping well? Does work have you stressed out? By identifying and addressing these things—perhaps through meditation, a change in diet, or regular exercise—you may find that it resolves itself.

Beyond that, Moody, I would recommend the old chestnut of successful relationships: compromise. Instead of always being disappointed that the other person isn’t in the mood, accept the fact that sometimes you need to be flexible for the sake of the relationship and meet each other in the middle. Try alternating your sexual rendezvous between morning and night, and take turns being the one to initiate it, so that no one feels like they’re always doing the work.

And finally, work on cultivating intimacy even when sex isn’t on the menu—it can help build general desire in your relationship and make your sex life infinitely more enjoyable.

Your partner in pleasure,